Sunday, 8 September 2013

"...like the palm of my hand."

If you could describe yourself in just one word, what would it be? Seems like such an easy question, doesn't it? But once you get to thinking, and suddenly realize that only one word, just one, is extremely difficult to settle on. I mean, I have a lot of traits. I am intelligent, independent, determined, passionate, wondering, a dreamer, lovely, bubbly, humorous, headstrong, opinionated, driven, ambitious, creative, eccentric, and the list goes on and on.

How does one settle on just one word to describe the many facets of ones personality and self? I thought that variety was a good thing. I do regard being passionately curious as one of my many self-descriptive words now, but is it a true reflection of my iconography in questioning?

No! None of them are. They are just traits of the person I am able to be. Truth be told, UNHAPPY would best describe me, because underneath it all, when I find myself alone and thoughtless (if that's remotely possible), it creeps up inside of me- as though it has taken refuge beneath the many facets of my life, the facets I avail to the world.

Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm doing this with too heavy a heart- come tomorrow maybe I'll change my mind, maybe I'm being to hard on myself,.... But, I could actually be onto something - on the brink of self discovery. Because this state of 'unhappiness' (for lack of better understanding) has been the one constant in my life for many years now. It is only now, that I have come to a personal realization of it.

So, as I try to make sense of it all, with a more conscious and open mind, I sit here and realize that I have given to much of myself for the sake of others and in return received nothing but disappointments, left to feel belittled, heavyhearted, worthless, and again the list can go on... The "hopeless hopeful" i considered myself to be, has left me at a stand still for far to long - able to see ahead yet not move an inch. Blinded by the passing days, months and years, wherein I settled for less, put up with way too much and believed that pain, in all its forms, was a part of happiness. I constantly longed for change but if change were to happen, it would have occurred long ago, but nothing.Still just a broken record of my life on constant repeat. Insofar doing that I can actually foresee the future, because things always play out the same way -I get my hopes up, believe peoples sweet nothings and endure the bullshit. I have grown so accustomed to portraying that all is well in my life, that I actually started believing it.

How has my body's cry for help, gone unnoticed for so long? Was I really in denial all this time? Why now though? (this whole realization thing) What triggered it?... So many questions seem to occupy my thoughts now, in this search for understanding...

This has gone much much further then a simple assignment to create an iconography for myself. I think I over-thought this whole thing, because I do have a tendency to over-think things in general. But what now? Knowing all that I know now. Whereto from here? I clearly don't want to be unhappy for the rest of my life. I don't want to continue living in denial. Where and How do I start?

Sigh......., it seems I have just created a major headache for myself. Some part of me wishes I hadn't come to this realization - cause then I'd be able to go to bed and continue my seemingly normal life, but then again, maybe its time to take the bull (in this case the whole kraal) by the horns and actually do something about it. In all aspects of my life! One at a time. Because there have honestly been way to many 'downs' in my life in comparison with the number of 'highs' I've had. Reaching some sort of equilibrium will be a miracle! But so help me God, change is needed!

Starting now, I'm gonna have to learn to dance to a different, happier tone, one of my personal liking- cause as of now I'm Rewriting MY Life Story...