Down to my last cry

I've spend minutes, hours, days, weeks and even months over-analysing the situation; trying to put the pieces together,  justifying what could've, would've happened.

My shattered dreams and broken heart now needs mending as I see you standing close to someone else. Wishing all my feelings were gone. I have to put you out of my mind this time for real. Need to stop living a lie. I guess I'm down to my last cry. I have got to be strong because round me, life goes on. Nothing for me to do but have one last cry before I leave it all behind. I gotta put you out my mind, my heart for the very last time.

Game of Chess

...The way our minds synced
Only we understood each other.
We lived a dream within a dream,
Sometimes painful
But sometimes full of desire.
We moved together,
As two people who only had each other.
And we loved each other in moments we will never have again.
Because love can be great
But Kings and Queens in chess never stay together
One must die as sacrifice for the other.
Although my love for him was greatest
I refused to die just yet,
To him a ghost I might remain,
But I chose to keep on living...

Trusting the Hours

The hardest part of missing someone is when you miss someone who you know isn't good for you. You grasp the logic behind it. You understand the reasons why you shouldn't love them and why they don't deserve you, but you don't know why you can't let them go. Why they still linger through your mind, why they pop up in your dreams, and why certain songs will make you think of them.

Sometimes it's hard to let go because our hearts have been bruised and sometimes it's because we are still truly hurt.

When you lose someone who means so much to you, you have to learn to get on without them and that in itself can be challenging when they're such a big part of your life and who you are.

I've learned that it takes time. I'll get there eventually. I just need to trust the hours to get me through.

"Letting go is never easy. There is no short cut or trick to it. You must be committed enough to your future to let go of your past. Its not easy and it's likely to hurt but its for the best. " Dr Steve Maraboli

Let's pretend

Okay, we didn't work out, and all our memories to tell you the truth aren't good. But sometimes there were good times. Love was real and it was good. I loved your crooked sleep beside me and never dreamed afraid but "lets pretend you never said you love me, and I'll pretend I didn't say it either. Let's pretend that I don't dream of you and you can pretend that you don't either. Let's pretend that you don't crave me, and I'll pretend my body doesn't want you. Let's pretend that we are strangers and that our words travel but they miss us. Let's pretend there is no hope, and we are only but a box of memories, with living traces of a damaged love we carry in us."

Pretence

You were all that I wanted. I fell in love with your heart and your soul. Couldn't imagine you ever hurting me or mistreating my love. I should have known.

If this was the way that you loved, you never should have loved me. You never should have touched me, never should have told me you loved me. Cause everything that you would do, it made me fall in love with you.

Thoughts racing through my head, how did we start up in love and end up here?  You said you loved me and I believed you. Seems your words meant nothing.

You were all I wanted,  I fell in love with you, cause you loved me and I thought we were meant to be. You should have let me keep all my love to give.

Now the hardest thing about realising you don't love me, is that you spent so much time pretending that you did. 

Therefore...

Common Ground

"... flaws and all, she (I) loved him as if he was perfect. She (I) fell in love with his potential which made her (me) overlook the truth. That's why she (I) kept going back..."

Unknown Source

"She (I) either fell in love with who he was or who he pretended to be. She (I) may hold onto him longer than she (I) should simply because her (my) love is genuine, its real. If it was that easy, she (I) would have walked away along time ago but when you love someone, you ching to the hope that things will improve."

Unknown Source

Find That Someone

Find someone who knows you're sad just by the change of tone in your voice. Someone who sees you're disappointed by loss of eye contact. Someone, willing to change that.

Be with someone who loves the features you hate most about yourself. Who allows you to embrace them.

Fall in love with someone who looks at you and knows they don't want anyone else.

Choice and Chance

"No one falls in love by choice, it's by chance. No one stays in love by chance, it's by working at it and no one falls out of love by chance, it's by choice."

Like I do

"I wish you loved you like I do... You must understand my adoration... For your essence is to be ingested in all forms the human can feel... You are life, imperfect, but invaluable. A billow of emotions and beauty bottled and served in the physical. You are love. I wish you loved you like I do."

(dae.d.lee)

Someone

I need someone who loves the things I love most about myself - my heart. I need someone who gets it. Gets that it is kind, it cares, it  worries, it loves deeply and it will forever remain hopeful, and doesn't take it as a weakness. Someone who doesn't want me to change but who uplifts me. Someone who realizes I do things for them because I love them and I want to. Someone who despite knowing all of this, wont one day take it for granted. Someone who appreciates me.

So while I wait for that someone, I'll learn to become my own true love, best friend and biggest fan first.

Say it loud, say it proud.

I know we started off as friends, but I am your lady now. I want to be treated accordingly. I want to be respected for the person I am in your life. Throughout! Not just when it suits you.

I want to be celebrated, boasted about. I am unique in my own way, something to be truly proud of. And, I want my man to do just that, be proud to be with me. Without words but rather with his actions.

I want a man not a boy still trying to play it cool amongst his friends. Rather a man willing to stand by my side, and loudly able to proclaim he is mine and I, his.

We are grown now, there is no more time for childish ways. It is now that we seek out our lifetime partners, potential fathers/mothers to our children and our Rock. Gone are the days of playing hop scotch with people's emotions.

If you're in, be in the whole way, not with one foot out the door. Either come in or shut the door on your way out.

26 September 2014

Never out of habit

When I say I love you, I don't say it out of habit, I say it to remind you that you're the best thing to have ever happened to me.

Over Thinking

"I over think things, I do.
But the world needs over thinkers.

We push the periphery of reality with our endless questioning of existence and our pine to understand; to express.

Over thinking fuels my art.
It is because of it that I have the audacity of hope."

The place that once was but is no longer

Still alive but barely breathing.

Wide awake while others have no trouble sleeping.

Crying my eyes out for days upon days,

still trying to make sense of what little remains.

Did I see them, did I not?

All I know is that, I heard every shot!

Whether at night, during the day or my deepest thoughts, running away.

My heart races, tummy constrains as panic commences

at the mere thought of flashing lights and thundering beams.

On my knees, I pray to Thy,

a God, I doubtfully believe in.

Questioning, whether this was real or just an ordeal?

All chocked up, wondering, if this was meant to be, 

because all my pleas he did not see.

Such a heavy barden placed upon me.
As the house I once called home,
the four walls that I took refuge in,
the purple curtained windows that once shune in light,
the place that once was but is no longer.

Now, just a place
brutally barged upon
left dented,
stained by death,
Stamped upon by grieving nomates
and violated by protesters.

Home
Now just a place,
I would rather not be...
As she moved on, while I'm still griefing, as no pleading words could stop her bleeding.

Jasmyn Street Khomasdal

Something was just off that morning. I couldn't put my finger on it. I could feel it deep down. Home was just not where I wanted to be. I suggested we all go, go visit someone, just get away for awhile, but she decided to stay. Thinking nothing of it, I let her, only cause I really wanted to go.

On the way back, his car was parked outside. I didn't want to go, but my mother insisted. We could hear her shouting at him. As we walked in, we found him locked out, trying to get in. When he saw us, he casually greeted and walked off. Thinking nothing of it, I locked the burglar bar behind me as I entered, placing the key an arms length away from the door. To our surprise, he returned mere minutes later, but this time with a gun, pointed straight at my mother. Demanding that she open up or he will shoot!

Without a thought, I ran to my window and screamed out for help into the streets. Only to find him on the other side pointing the gun straight at me. A pulled the curtain closed and ran to my mother, yelling at her to get away from the door, while he was on the other side of the house. As we huddled up in the passage, a gun shoot went off then five terrifying kicks against the glass door. It was my idea to run to the room, lock ourselves in, for when he breaks through. A another shot was fired in our direction, then another. It was so loud. But from where? The seem to becoming from everywhere! I was mere inches away from her when her loud cry went silent as she fell to the floor. He shot her! He shot through an open window. He shot her in the head!

As we pulled her closure, another went off in our direction. Then he said something, I can't quite recall, then another went off. Where was he? The slightest movement on our part triggered another shot, so helplessly we set there, to scared to even breath to loud. Waiting, just waiting for a reaction on his part or some sort of help because she was bleeding excessively onto the floor. It felt like hours as no one came in a hurry.

I couldn't wait no more, against my mothers wishes I got up, to see if I could see him, to at least know where he was. Only to find him seated, dead, on the back stoop. He had shot himself.

In timely fashion, the police and paramedics finally arrived, wanting to attend to him first while my sister laid on the floor fighting for her life. I wouldn't have it! The rage and anger I felt as I opened the front door to let them inside, only to find the whole location, every neighbour within miles, gathered outside our house as spectators.

Yet... no one, NO ONE, no one seemed to have heard our cries or attempted to help.
NO ONE!

Hurriedly Written

As I sit and invigilate my last Art exam for the year, I find myself paging through, that which was once my daily planner but became more of a personal journal. Wherein, a  roller coaster of emotions, venting sessions, quotes, lyrics, to-do-lists, travelling plans, ideas and doodles all seem to sum up my entire year. Reading through every single page, dating back to February, which coincidentally happens to be my last blog post, made me realize just how much has happened this year. Through all the scribbling and non-referenced pieces, I find myself reliving each moment vividly. And as the year draws to a close, I wish to share, in no specif order, my scribbles...  reminiscing, one post at a time.